Open Mouth, Insert Foot, Get Wife Angry

Well, she’s not really angry. More like irritated. My oldest daughter too- she was there for my quip.

Late last night the three of us were lounging on our bed as Michelle and K were getting ready to watch the latest Tivo’d “The Closer” as I was getting ready to head down to the office and get a few things done. We were chatting about our day when Michelle talked about a phone call she had during the day.

She got a call about something we have to do today that required a decent amount of information transfer to coordinate all that has to happen to have today end organized and efficient. The call went much longer than she cared for it to. Her girlfriend went on and on about the details while our nephew, C (Michelle babysits him on Mondays) cried, laundry had to get done, and general chaos and craziness ruled the house.

As K and I listened to her woeful story Michelle lamented that the call went on and on, filled with so much back-story and detail that all she could do was listen- she couldn’t insert a comment, express her concern that she needed to wrap up the call, couldn’t do anything to stop the torrent of information.

She wrapped up the story by saying “It was unbelievable- the talking just kept coming…it was like talking to…”

She was about to say the name of a character from the Jane Austen film “Emma” that we had just watched. The kindly aunt that would barely breathe between long soliloquies that drowned out the whole of the earth.

I didn’t let her finish her sentence…I interjected “a woman.”

I laughed. Michelle and K didn’t.






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What Is My Hobby Today?

About this time a couple years ago I was browsing the internet and found an interesting article about woodworking. Since I am a somewhat obsessive person (I like to find new things to read, do, create and then dive in, not surfacing for air for weeks on end), and I had an opening for something new, I decided right then to take it up. I read a few more articles, jumped in my truck, and headed for Home Depot.

To be honest, this, like most other things I decided to take up, was prompted by something that happened to me. A week or so prior I had my mower taken in for service. The driver that came to pick it up asked me for some scrap wood so he could rig a simple ramp for the mower.

Scrap wood? Why exactly would I have scrap wood lying around? The driver seemed astonished, and the look he gave me when I said I had none communicated “pardon me, I thought you were a man. Men have scrap wood. Its as simple as that.”

So, the only way to have scrap wood is to build something, and have leftover wood that is collected and saved for just such occasions.

I walked into Home Depot and told the first employee I saw what I wanted to do. He escorted me to the tool section, and I left shortly after with a table saw, jig saw, sander, planer, chisels, a Woodworking for Dummies book, and other assorted tools. Wow, I thought, this was expensive. I only forgot one thing. Wood.

I found a cool looking piece of furniture in the Sundance Catalog that was $299, and looked simple enough to build. It was a two-piece pine storage unit with bins that looked like old chicken coops. I studied the picture, drew out a plan, and commenced building. It turned out pretty good, and now sits in our guest bathroom faithfully holding extra toilet paper rolls and other assorted items. And including the wood and tools, only cost me $600 to make!

This week I built my first picture frame (I would give myself a D+ on it), and also a stand for our laser printer (B-). Next up, a replacement doll house for the girls (the one Santa gave them a couple years ago has collapsed. Elves nowadays need Woodworking for Dummies too), a cat condo and a crèche (Michelle asked for this one- its some sort of a backdrop for her nativity characters).

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No Cruising Zone

Christmas season is officially underway in our home. I know for sure because yesterday I went to the mall. That only happens once a year.

We made a family day of it and after dropping off our girl A for a birthday party at Build-a-Bear, walked the length and width of Cool Springs Galleria’s two levels, grabbing lunch in the food court (ugh).

After making a few purchases, and picking up A from the party, we headed to the car. Our daughter L wanted to go back to JCPenney’s to buy a shirt she really liked. I asked her why she hadn’t bought it when she saw it, and it turns out Michelle is training her in proper shopping etiquette.

“If you see something you really like, and you really want it, and can afford it- don’t buy it. Keep shopping because somewhere else you may chance upon something better, or at least the same thing at a lower price.”

My philosophy is different- it ends in BUY IT.

We decided to drop Michelle and L off at Penneys while the rest of the family stayed in the car as the store was on the other side of the mall. After dropping them off, and realizing there was not a single parking space anywhere to be seen, we did the only thing we could do: Turn up the radio, drive up, down and around the parking lot killing time, glance to see if the ladies had emerged from Hades, Repeat.

By doing so I was able to observe a human condition I have labeled PSDS- Parking Space Deficit Syndrome.

I was stuck behind one older lady driving down a long aisle, literally going 2mph as she scanned her surroundings for the tell-tale signs of reverse lights, even though no one was walking to their car in our aisle. By the time we got to the end of the lane there were at least 10 cars behind me.

Another guy was exchanging words with a driver as he stood guard over an open space blocking it with his body. From what I could hear as we slowly passed, it seems he was with his buddy in the next aisle and saw the space open, jumped out and crossed over to lay claim until his friend got there.

At one point we were cruising behind another car down an aisle when I saw a hidden open space (the ones tucked behind Ford Excursions you can never see until you pass them). The lady in the car ahead passed it before she saw it, hit her breaks, realized she lost it to me and threw her hands up in frustration, starting to move forward again. She was amazed when I flashed my lights at her, called her back, and reversed 20 feet to give her the space. She looked like she was going to cry. I think I made her day.






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New Study Leaves Me Speechless

Perusing through the news last night I found this gem: “Women talk three times as much as men, says study.” I imagine Fiona Macrae, a writer for the UK’s Daily Mail, delivered this to her editor with a straight face truly believing she was reporting the news.

Meanwhile, 50% of the worlds population- the men- (well...maybe more like 48% or so if you catch my drift) see the report as just another 700+ time-consuming words thrown around about something they already know. Time wasted that could be better put to use watching sports or hanging out in the workshop (or for me, playing Battlefield 2 on the PC).

The key findings from the study:

• Women talk almost three times as much as men, with the average woman chalking up 20,000 words in a day - 13,000 more than the average man.
• Women also speak more quickly, devote more brainpower to chit-chat - and actually get a buzz out of hearing their own voices.
• Girls arrive already wired as girls, and boys arrive already wired as boys. Their brains are different by the time they're born.
  

Dr. Luan Brizendine gathered the data from this new study to put forth her findings in a new book titled 'The Female Brain.' My favorite quote from the “news” story is this from Dr. Brizendine:

"Women have an eight-lane superhighway for processing emotion, while men have a small country road."

Love it. So true, and apparently, so newsworthy to the good doctor from San Francisco. As I read the “news” story it became clear that this book and the findings in it mark a huge change in Luan’s life. She seems to have turned over a new leaf- pledging it seems to now favor truth over political correctness. She admits this clearly in her next quote:

"I know it is not politically correct to say this but I've been torn for years between my politics and what science is telling us. I believe women actually perceive the world differently from men.”

Torn for years between "my politics" and what science is telling us? Hmmm. I wonder how many other scientists and doctors in her field, or in other fields of study, have the same problem?

Perhaps after Dr. Brizendine uttered these words to the reporter, she remembered that soon after the publication of the “news” story, she would have to hang out with her female friends for drinks and deal with glaring evil stares and 10-20,000 words worth of bile. She quickly redeemed herself by throwing out a bit of reverse-sexist red-meat:

Fiona Macrae writes “Dr Brizendine explains that testosterone also reduces the size of the section of the brain in men involved in hearing - allowing them to become "deaf" to the most logical of arguments put forward by their wives and girlfriends.”

Hilarious.

So here’s how it boils down for me personally. My wife talks way more than I do. I do not listen very well. I have a hard time talking about what is going on inside my head and heart. That is why I started this blog. I am able to sit here and drink coffee, listen to music and pour out thoughts and ideas (and I guess feelings or emotions of some kind- but I hate admit that) without having to say a single word.

Later the same day my wife reads my blog and voilà- we are communicating!

Michelle- if you are counting- please include the 1000-1500 words per day from this blog to my normal 7,000 or so spoken words. That is somewhere around a 14.29% - 21.42% increase over the norm. Progress!