Thursday, June 28, 2007

There Must Be Something In The Peanuts

I have a theory that there is some sort of chemical in the honey roasted nuts on Southwest flights that makes people paranoid and aggressive.

There is also some sort of unnatural desire that comes about to stand in line hours before a flight starts to board.

Several years ago I witnessed a fight break out in a hot and steamy Southwest gate at the BWI airport in Baltimore. As I stood to assemble towards the back of lane A (at the time it was 1-30), pre-boarders were called. A man in lane C (61+) yelled at a man and woman that were pre-boarding (the woman was in a wheel chair) that he had seen them check baggage and the woman most certainly had no real medical problem that required her to be in a wheel chair and that they were faking a physical challenge to get on board first. The pre-boarding man acted offended and screamed at the accuser that his wife had multiple sclerosis and he could prove it. The yelling escalated, and right in front of me one man took a full-on roundhouse swing at the head of the other connecting right on the jaw. Blood spattered, and chaos ensued.

I swore I would never fly Southwest again.

Now 8 or 10 years later I have no choice. The world has been assimilated into Southwest’s borg-like march to dominate all US cities and control all flights shoving peanuts, and little snack-packs featuring 100 calorie short-bread cookies, dried fruit and fat-laden cheese crackers down our throats.

Tonight I was sitting down on the floor of the B section waiting to board when a verbal war broke out in lane A. It seems a lady snuck up and deposited herself right behind passengers 1 and 2 in line, cutting in front of close to 30 other passengers. The husband and wife previous occupying slots 3 and 4 were not amused. They confronted the lady but she totally ignored them, seeming to be fascinated with something on her cell phone. The voices raised, and the lady read something or other on her cell phone even more intently.

Finally a Southwest employee came over, learned what happened from about 5 or 10 nearby passengers and confronted the line-cutter. She finally looked up, admitted she cut, but said there was a little space here that no one was occupying and it was her right to slip in. She was sent packing to the back of the line, but not after she put up a fight and asked for the Southwest employees name. He responded- “its right here on my shirt, cant you read?” The passengers around him giggled in support and line-cutter-lady headed to the back of the line.

Insane people. I heard a rumor that Southwest may start assigning seats. Oh please, please, please, please.

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